Category: Uncategorized

Things Are Not as They Seem

This journey through my “golden years” continues to surprise and challenge me.  My newest issue is my vision.  I am going to finally get cataract surgery.  “You will love it,” my friends say.  “You will wonder why you waited.”  “It’s a piece of cake,” they say.  I have barely begun the process and I have already encountered what is for me, a big problem.  Bifocals.  You may be thinking, “I’ve worn bifocals for years.  What’s the big deal?”

I have worn monovision contact lenses for years with few problems.   With monovision, the dominant eye is corrected for distance while the other eye is corrected for near viewing.  I thought I would be able to wear my contacts right up until surgery, but I was told I would need to be in bifocal glasses for a few weeks so that the eye surgeon can get accurate measurements of my corneas.  Evidently wearing contacts causes a problem with measurements. 

I picked out a cute pair of frames and thought wearing them for a few weeks would be no problem.  Oh boy, was I wrong about that!  My brain, used to monovison, and my eyes, looking through bifocal lenses, do not want to work together at all!  Shapes are distorted, I can’t tell distances, and my sense of balance, already wobbly, is now even more compromised.  I know this computer screen I am looking at is rectangular, but it looks more like a parallelogram.  I know where I keep small salad plates, but when I pull them out they look like oblong platters.  I know there is a step down into the garage, but if I don’t hold onto the wall I am going to miss it.  I feel like I am living in a fun house with distorting mirrors and uneven floors.  And I have picked up a few bruises by trusting my eyes.  It is taking awhile for my brain and my eyes to sync.  In the meantime I must trust what I know to be true, and not rely on my distorted vision.    

I was thinking about how life is not always as it seems.  For the community of Covenant Presbyterian Church and School, Monday morning looked like a normal day.  Tucked into a pretty, upscale neighborhood in Nashville, the school looked like a safe place for children and staff.  Parents dropped their children off thinking they would see them again in the afternoon.  The pastor may have been working on a Palm Sunday message, not imagining that his nine-year old daughter would be murdered.  Life looked safe and normal, but the evil no one could see was ready to strike.

How do we cope when tragedy strikes?  When, like the tornado victims in 

Alabama, all we can see is loss and devastation?  When hope seems gone?  It is during those times that we must trust what we know to be true.  Here is what I know:

  • I know that God is good.  All the time.  Even when the world is full of evil, God is still good.
  • I know that Jesus told us that we would have troubles as long as we are on this earth.  But I also know that He promised we would not have to face those troubles alone.  That He would walk with us through our hard places.
  • I know that God can bring good out of the worst.  Even when life seems hopeless and black, there is still good.  Even when our pain is screaming so loudly that we can barely hear anything else, God’s voice is stronger still.  “I love you.  I will care for you.”
  • I know that God is sovereign.  He is still on the throne and He is in control.  Even when a tornado rips our world to shreds, He is not caught off guard.  He still has a plan for our welfare and His glory.     
  • I know that even when the world strips us of everything we hold dear, He will still supply all our needs.
  • I know that in our darkest hours, we must walk by faith and not by sight.  

REBOOTING

I am a gadget girl.  I love my electronics, even though I have to admit there can be times when they are frustrating.  Last Friday we changed our TV and Internet service and it’s not the simple plug and play they told us it would be.  We are getting it all figured out, but I had no idea how many devices there are in our house that needed a new password.  Twenty-two!  And I am still finding them!  Definitely a first world problem and a minor frustration, but frustrating nonetheless. 

Last fall I had to replace my Apple watch.  I had a first generation model and was beginning to have some problems so I decided it was time.  A few days ago I ran into a problem with it.  It wouldn’t swipe down.  For those of you who may be unfamiliar with Apple watches, there is a little red dot that appears at the top of the dial to let you know that you have notifications.  When you swipe down, the notifications are revealed and you can respond or delete them.  Most of the time these notifications are just a nuisance.  (Note to self: review my notification settings.)  And they are distractions from what I am doing at the moment.  However it was really bothering me that I could not swipe down; I want things to work the way they are supposed to work.  Finally I consulted Google.  DUH!  Turn it off; let it rest; then restart it.  Why is it so easy to forget this simple fix?  I reboot things all the time.  In fact, we have been rebooting our TV a LOT trying to get all our apps up and running.  This simple step of rebooting fixed my problem, but also reminded me of something the Lord has been trying to teach me.

Every year, as the months start running down, I begin asking the Lord to give me a word for the New Year.  What does He want to teach me or how does He want to direct me?  My word for 2023 came earlier in the fall than usual and it came clearly.  My word is “quiet.”  As I pondered that word different synonyms also came to mind: “still,” “rest.”  I have been harvesting verses with those words and meditating on them.  What does being quiet and still look like for me?

Quiet does not come easily to me.  I was that little girl who got “Talks too much” on her report card.  Once I got “Whispers too much” so I guess that was progress.  I have been consciously trying to speak less and listen more.  That’s really hard for me because I always want to weigh in on things.  I think I have important things to say.  Witticisms and bon mots.  But surprisingly (to me) no one has noticed that I am speaking less.  Maybe the world doesn’t need my opinions after all.  And I have noticed that things happen when I speak less.  There is a famous quote that says, “The quieter you are the more you are able to hear.”   In the words of Frasier Crane, “I’m listening.”   

At first I thought “quiet” meant spending more time in God’s word and eliminating some activities.  But what do I cut out?  I enjoy the things I do.  However I am feeling the urge to unplug, to spend some time in off mode.  And the more I do it, the more I enjoy it.  I may be one of the few people who actually enjoyed the recent icy days we had, days of staying home and being quiet.  

I am only six weeks into this word so I know the Lord has much to teach me.  I am just trying to be obedient and quiet.  I love this passage from The Kite Runner: 

“Quiet is peace. Tranquility. Quiet is turning down the volume knob on life. Silence is pushing the off button. Shutting it down. All of it.”

If you are trying to reach me, I am rebooting.

IF I HAD A HAMMER

Last night a lively group of women met at the historic Campbell Hotel for a fun-filled evening with the fabulous Amber Welch and her equally fabulous mother, Jere Welch.  It was our October gathering of Tulsa Woven, and if you are not a part of us you really should be.  Amber and her mom own the amazing Amber Marie stores, including their spectacular new Christmas store at Utica Square.  Amber was with us not only to share her story, but also to teach us how to make bows.  If you have ever been in her store you know she makes the most beautiful bows!  Mine are more of the Target stick-on variety, so I was especially excited about this activity. 

Our price for the event included an EZ Bow Maker.  We were told to bring a pair of scissors and ribbon, or we could purchase some of the beautiful ribbon that Amber brought with her.  Here’s the thing about the EZ Bow maker…it comes unassembled.  As I took it out of the box I heard someone say, “Does anyone have a hammer or a mallet?”  Seriously?  Which one of these ladies is going to pull a hammer out of her Mary Poppins bag I wondered, although earlier in the day as I was cleaning out my own handbag, I found a Spode pie server.  How long have I been walking around with that?  But back to the question, does anyone have a hammer or a mallet?  Imagine my surprise when I heard someone say, “I do.  I have a hammer and a mallet in my trunk!  I’m a realtor!”  A first-timer at a Woven event, she saved the day by not only having the necessary hammer, but by quickly assembling 40-some-odd EZ Bow Makers.

As I have thought about last evening over my morning coffee, it occurred to me how just like God it is to provide a solution to a problem we didn’t know we were going to encounter.  The Bible tells us that God Himself personally goes before us.  We have no need to fear whatever may lie ahead.  And we can never be prepared for every eventuality, but God already has it covered.  One of my favorite passages in Scripture, Psalm 139, tells us that God has recorded all our days in His book.  Sometimes we find ourselves going to God with the big, macro events, but he is concerned with everything in our lives.  Even the small things.  And He has gone ahead of us.  All we have to do is trust Him.

The most important way God has gone ahead of me was to provide a Savior before I ever knew I needed one.  The Bible tells us that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Rom. 5:8).  God provided a way for me to have a relationship with Him because He knew I would not be able to find Him on my own.   

The ladies who planned last night’s event planned and prayed.  We planned the best way we could and we asked God to take care of every detail.  We never imagined that we would need a hammer, but God knew all about it.  All we had to do was pray and trust.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.  Prov. 3:5-6 

ARE YOU TELLING YOURSELF THE TRUTH?

Many times I tell my clients that it’s not the things that actually happen to us that upset us; it’s what we tell ourselves about those events.  I often use the following diagram developed by Dr. Albert Ellis to help folks get a visual of what is happening in their thought life.

A>B>C  

“A” stands for the actual event, what really happened.  Let’s say you hear about a party or some other event and you are not invited.  “B” is your belief, what you tell yourself.  You might think, “Everyone is invited except me.  There is something wrong with me.  No one cares about me.”  “C” is the consequence of those thoughts.  You can imagine how that way of thinking  would make you feel: depressed, unloved, and ashamed.  Here is how that looks in diagram form:

“A” Actual event = uninvited > “B” Belief = I am unlovable > “C” Consequence = depression

You can use this diagram with almost any event and feeling.  My favorite to use is a common event, that I confess, happens to me sometimes:

“A” = Someone pulls in front of me in traffic. > “B” = “That jerk just cut me off!” > “C” = anger

I am letting my thoughts control my feelings.   The result is a bad mood that might last even after I get out of traffic.  I have learned to push the rewind button and ask myself what the truth is in the situation.

“A”  = Someone pulls in front of me in traffic. > “B” = “He is just trying to get somewhere, same as me.  He is not doing it to me.  I am not even on his radar.” > “C” = I have forgotten about it by the time I get to the next stoplight.  Feeling calm.

This is an example of the cognitive therapy that I do with clients.  I help them see their situation in a different perspective.  There is a wonderful book that I highly recommend called, Telling Yourself the Truth.  Your wrong thinking may be making you unhappy.  Give the A>B>C method a try.

YOU ARE NOT A ZERO

An article about Cooper Kupp caught my attention.  In case you didn’t watch the Super Bowl, Kupp is the wide receiver for the Los Angeles Rams who was awarded MVP after the game.  Now I’m not a big NFL fan, but I am a huge college football fan, so what really impressed me was learning that Kupp was a 0 star recruit coming out of high school.  Zero!  We college fans love our big-time recruits.  We want those four and five stars.  But for Kupp, it looked like his football days would end after high school, in spite of the fact that both his father and grandfather played in the NFL.  He didn’t have a single college offer until three weeks after his senior season, when finally, he received offers from Eastern Washington and Idaho State.  Not exactly blue blood programs.  

So how did someone with slim-to-no prospects become a Super Bowl MVP?  I don’t think he believed the lie that he was a zero.   He knew he was more than what the recruiters said he was.  His self-worth didn’t come from Rivals or ESPN.  He knew he could play football in spite of what others said.  His head coach at Eastern Washington was impressed from the start.  Kupp was the hardest worker on the field and he proved that he was worth so much more than 0 stars.   He won all kinds of awards in college including consensus All American and the coveted Walter Payton award.  After college he  was drafted by the Rams who were excited to land him.  Rams coach Sean McVay said he was one of the most pro-ready receivers he had ever evaluated.  Kupp has won numerous awards as a pro and has set all kinds of records.  Not bad for a kid nobody wanted.  

There is a message in Kupp’s story for all of us.  We need to stop believing the lies and start believing the truth about our value.  We are worth so much more than our bank account, what kind of car we drive, or where we live.  The numbers on the bathroom scales or what we shoot on the golf course are only numbers, metrics.  They are not a measure of our value as humans.  We are worth so much more than the number of “likes” on our social media page or how many followers we have. We are not the failures we have had in the past or even the successes we will have in the future.  

We need to cut out the negative self-talk.  Some of us need to stop listening to the voice of a punitive parent (or spouse, coach, or boss, or ex-spouse) in our head.  We are not the grade on our math exam, our GPA, or what the mean girls in the fifth grade said about us.  We are grown-ups now, and we can know the truth about our value.

Here is the truth: we are worth what God says we are worth.  And God doesn’t have any zeroes.  Go to the Bible and read God’s love letter to you.  He tells us how much He loves and cares for us, that He is always with us, watching over and protecting us.  The same God who feeds the sparrows and clothes the lilies, cares for and provides for us.  Because he loves us!   He takes great delight in us and rejoices over us with singing (Zeph. 3:17).  I often suggest to my clients that they meditate on Psalm 139, especially verses 13-16.  And if you only needed one truth about your worth, here it is: God loves you so much that He sent His Son to die for your sins so that you could be in relationship with Him.  He wants to have dinner with you!  (Rev. 3:20). 

Cooper Kupp knows these truths.  Even with all the awards and accolades, Kupp says his greatest joy comes from knowing Christ and living out his God-given purpose in life.  He knows he is not a zero.                            

GOOD GRIEF

Types of tears

This is a repost from 2017, but I think it is timely this holiday weekend when so many are dealing with grief and the empty chair. Sending you all blessings and wishes for a happy Thanksgiving.

Have you ever wondered why we were created with the ability to cry?  I am privileged to sit alongside my clients as they shed many tears.  People are usually embarrassed and tell me they are sorry for crying, but I tell them they never have to apologize for shedding tears.  In my own life, I have gone through a seasons of tears.  There were days when I wondered how I could produce so much water!  Finally I decided to do a little research on crying and what the Bible has to say about it.

According to scientists, there are three types of tears and they all differ in their function and chemical makeup.  All tears are salt water and they drain through our nasal cavity, which is why so many of us have to blow our noses after a good cry.  Basal tears are the tears that we have in our eyes all the time.  They keep our eyes from drying out.  We produce about 5 – 10 ounces of basal tears every day.  Basal tears are about 98% water. 

Reflexive tears are those that protect the eye from irritants, such as smoke, onions, or dust.  The sensory nerves in your cornea send a message to your brainstem that in turn sends hormones to the glands in the eyes that produce tears.  These tears contain a bio-chemical called lysozyme, an antibacterial protection for the eyes.  

The third type is emotional tears.  Most scientists believe that only humans are capable of producing this type of tear. God created us with this unique ability among all His creatures.  I think it is interesting that Jesus (God in human form) also wept (John 11:35; Luke 19:41).  These emotional tears are the ones I am most curious about, and it turns out that they have special health benefits.  Dr. William Frey, a biochemist at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis, has done extensive research on tears.  He discovered that emotional tears contain stress hormones that are excreted from the body through crying.  Dr. Frey’s research suggests that when we are under stress, even good stress, our bodies produce stress hormones which are necessary for a fight-or-flight response.  However, over prolonged periods of time, these hormones can be dangerous to our health.  Dr. Frey proposes that tears are the body’s mechanism for releasing these built up toxins.  Crying is beneficial to your health, and research shows that stifling emotional tears can elevate the risk of heart disease and hypertension.  Psychologists believe that those who are experiencing grief do better through talking and crying, rather than holding it all in.  Sometimes having a good cry is the healthiest thing you can do.

The Bible has a great deal to say about crying.  In fact, there are almost 700 references to crying and tears in Scripture.  One thing stands out loud and clear: God sees our tears.  David says in Psalm 56:8: “You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.”  Tear bottles were used in ancient (and in some more modern) times during mourning.  They were used to collect the tears of the bereaved and often buried along with the deceased as a sign of respect.  

God collects our tears.  He knows when we are grieving, hurt, sad, frustrated, and angry.  He even knows when we cry tears of joy.  He sees every tear that falls.  And He records all these tears in His book of remembrance (Malachi 3:16).  God keeps a database of all our sorrows.  And He promises to wipe away all our tears when we get to Heaven (Revelation 21:4), where death, sorrow, crying, and pain will be gone forever.  

We take comfort in these things.  We are so fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), that even our tears have a purpose here on earth.  But when we get to Heaven there will be no need for tears.  God Himself will tenderly wipe them away.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.  Revelation 21:4 (NIV).

The Righting Reflex

So it’s been a month now and that has given me time to see the humor in what was a really embarrassing moment.  It was OU’s opening football game, and after missing all last year due to COVID, Jerry and I were excited to be back in Norman, and super excited for some football.  Jerry had gone to his seat ahead of me, as the game was about to start, while I stayed behind to chat with our grandson.  So by the time I got to our row, the stadium was filling up.  The Sooners have tried to squeeze as many people as possible into Memorial  Stadium, so the rows are VERY narrow.  I was making my way to my seat, trying not to step on the feet of the people who were already sitting, or knock over anyone’s drink or popcorn, when I felt the rubber sole of my shoe stick.  And that’s when I went down.  It wasn’t just a fall.  As Jerry says, it was a 10!  I went over the bench in front of me, grabbing the shoulder of a man innocently sitting minding his own business (and wearing a back brace!), and finally landed on my two artificial knees!  OUCH!  It was like landing on ground glass!  I know it only took a couple of seconds but it felt like slow motion.  Oh the thoughts that were running through my brain!  People gathered around me saying, “Don’t get up.”  Well don’t worry, at this point I’m hoping the ground will open and swallow me!  I managed to get up with a “Ta Da!” in a “stuck my landing” pose, but oh man, was I mortified!

It was this event that finally pushed me into scheduling a visit with my orthopedist, Dr. Keith Stanley.  I have been having some posture issues, as well as balance and walking problems. There are days when I feel like I need to re-learn how to walk.  After taking x-rays (there are problems), he sat down to talk, and that is when he used the dreaded A word.  Aging.  My spine is degenerating, my balance is not as good as it once was, and my reaction time is slower.  But here is the surprising part: my proprioceptors are wearing out.

I knew what Dr. Stanley was referencing because I studied proprioceptors in grad school, but for those of you who may not be familiar with the term, proprioceptors are the sensory receptors that help the body detect its own position in space.  For example, without proprioception you would be unable to touch your nose with your eyes closed, or to balance on one leg.  Proprioception provides feedback to the brain to enable you to detect whether you are walking on a hard or a soft surface.  It also allows our bodies to perform simultaneous actions without having to stop and think about each one separately, such as running down a football field, scanning for receivers, and throwing a pass.  

That was a bit of an “aha” moment for me, because I could recognize that yes, my proprioception is off.  And that is the last time I will use that word, but allow me to introduce another word that may be unfamiliar.  God in His wisdom created us with a righting reflex, also known as the labyrinthine righting reflex.   This reflex corrects the orientation of the body when it is taken out of its normal upright position.  When I lost my balance and fell, the labyrinthine righting reflex helped me return to an upright position and regain equilibrium.  Humans are not alone in needing righting.  Airplanes and sailing vessels have what is known as a righting moment to help restore them to the correct attitude when they have listed or rotated off course.  

I wrote about this in my book, Season, and here is an excerpt.

I wonder how many of those righting moments in life have gone unheeded.  Those times where we have listed in the wrong direction and have not paid attention to our own righting instincts. We have gotten off course and can’t seem to find our direction.  We have missed our true north.

By looking back at your own unique life story and examining the critical events, you discover how the pieces fit together to define who you are and explain how you got to this point.  Often we see that some of our worst mistakes, our biggest regrets were actually righting reflexes to point us to our true north.  No one likes pain, but if we listen, pain is trying to tell us something.  If you put your hand on a hot stove, pain sensors send a message to your brain that causes you move your hand so you won’t burn your skin.  Similarly, painful life events are sending us a message that we need to move, to change course, to do something different.  We need to be righted.  Some of us learn quickly and can right ourselves with only a little discomfort.  Others of us need a great deal of pain before we finally wake up and decide to take action.  Sadly, some of us stay stuck in pain because we don’t know what to do or don’t think we have any power to change the situation.    

I believe our broken roads get us to the place we were destined to be, if we pay attention to the road signs along the way, the righting moments.  And by the way, God also gave us the Holy Spirit to guide and direct us, and to whisper in our ear when we get off track.  No matter how badly we mess things up, Jesus can use the most broken and damaged pieces of our lives and turn it into something beautiful.  He can turn trash into a treasure.  

I love the song by Rascal Flatts, “Bless the Broken Road.”

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you.

 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29: 11-13  (NIV).  

THE SEASON OF LETTING GO

I’m not sure I like my current season.  I am calling it The Season of Letting Go.  My friends, those in my age cohort, understand.  After spending a lifetime of acquiring—family, friends, hobbies, possessions, you name it—we are now having to let go.

This reality has been hitting me hard this month as we have been spending time with our grands before they return to school. Numbers 1,2,and 3 are already out of college and are now adulting, the older two now married with families of their own.  We have been having off-to-college breakfasts with 4,5, and 6 during the last weeks.  It’s always hard to say goodbye, even when we are simultaneously excited for their new journeys.  

I suppose this letting go thing was driven home most sharply when we said goodbye to our Hannah before she left for Nashville last week.  This wasn’t the customary off-to-college goodbye.  Yes, she is heading back to Belmont, and I am so happy about that.  But she is actually moving to Nashville.  I truly believe that Nashville is her place, that she belongs there and will find her true north there.  But it is 600 miles away!  I can tell you I actually have a physical pain in my chest.  But I have to let her go.

I have been incredibly blessed to have kept all my chicks close to the nest.  All of our children live near us, and all but one of our nine grands has attended the elementary school that is a couple of blocks from our house.  This year for the first time in about 25 years, we will not have a grandchild at that school.  The youngest is heading to middle school.  They are all flying away, creating lives of their own.  And even though I know that is how it should be, it is still hard to let go.

The letting go started some time ago.  We Baby Boomers began to lose eyesight, hearing, waistlines, and hair.  Now we are letting go of our houses, downsizing into smaller abodes.  And those moves require letting go of our carefully collected stuff.  We really no longer need the punch bowl and matching cups because now it is our daughters who are hosting the showers, not us.  (And by the way, they don’t want our punch bowls!)  Most of us have let go of careers, and I have seen how this has been particularly hard on men.   There are so many “lasts.”  And the thing is, we might not recognize a last when it is occurring.  A last trip to the beach, a last pet, a last car, and most of all, a last time to see a loved one.  

 I have watched some of my friends let go of life as they knew it to become caregivers to a failing spouse.  More and more, my friends are being widowed.  And all too frequently we are hearing about the death of a high school classmate.  

Even though I don’t like it, I think all of this letting go is necessary.  We must let go of the people and things that keep us tied to earth, because one day we will be leaving.   When God is trying to make a point to me, He often comes at me from different angles.  I often say He is a multi-media God.  So I wasn’t surprised that we sang I Surrender All yesterday in church.  I surrender all.  Do I?  Everything?  I might as well because it all belongs to him anyway.  Even the children and grands.  

We have a friend, a member of our extended family, who is dying.  I have been thinking of all the things he is losing…even the small things.  He will never again go outdoors, or have dinner with family.  No one had to ask him if he wants to let go of his car.  It’s a moot point.  But oh, what he will gain when he sees Jesus!  Who needs a car when you can have wings?  

This is my reminder, what I will gain.  As the old hymn says, “Let goods and kindred go, this mortal life also.”  Those children and grandchildren have never been truly mine, only on loan from God.  And the stuff?  I won’t need it.  I will leave this world the same way I came into it, naked and empty-handed.  And the same God who has given me abundantly everything I have needed in this life will give me everything I need in the next.  Who knows?  There may even be a heavenly punch bowl in my future!       

THE PROBLEM OF SHAME

Out of all the problems and conditions I see in my practice, I believe shame is the worst and the most difficult to heal.  Shame is different from guilt, although both feelings are unpleasant.  Guilt can actually lead to good, helping us to change direction and turn from the behavior that caused the guilty feeling in the first place.  But shame is about who I am as a person. Guilt is about something I did; shame is about who I am.  Guilt says, “I did something bad,” while shame says, “I am bad.”  I think of shame as a toxic tar baby that keeps us stuck in self-defeating behaviors.  Researcher and author Brené Brown states that shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” 

There is a field of study that looks at the neurobiology of shame and gives us insight into its origins. From birth we are hard-wired to interact with and depend on our caregivers.  We start learning immediately which behaviors will elicit care and comfort from them.  We seem to know that without a family or a tribe, we will not survive.  When we are shamed we experience a fear of being rejected that behavioral scientists call survival terror.  To defend against this terror, we develop an inner critic, usually in the voice of the critical parent(s), that keeps us in line, and from experiencing more rejection.  This inner voice keeps us behaving in ways that the parent wants, so that we will not get more shame.  By adulthood, that inner voice has become our own, and we take it and run with it.  

Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems therapy, explains that we carry around multiple parts of our self.  There is the internal critic that tells us how bad we are, and the young part of our self that believes this voice.  Usually there is a third part that will do anything to get away from feeling shame, often engaging in behaviors that bring about more shame.  For example a person who is experiencing what Brown calls a “shame storm,” might get drunk or engage in risky sex to try to get away from the feeling of shame.  Of course that only serves to perpetuate the cycle of shame.

The Bible has much to say about being freed from shame.  It tells in Psalms that God does not want us to live in shame and describes Him as “the One who holds my head high.”  In the book of Romans we are told that when we come to Christ we are no longer under condemnation.  God accepts us unconditionally into His family. 

If you have been living with toxic shame, there is good news.  You can learn to silence that inner critic and see yourself in a different light.  Thanks to neuroplasticity, your brain can learn new ways of thinking and behaving.  A therapist, a pastor, or a good support group can come alongside you in a journey of self-exploration.  You can be set free!    

Little Acorns

I was doing a little work in my flowerbed this morning and pulled up this little Water Oak.  I think people call trees like this “volunteers” because they just sprout up on their own, without being planted.  It is fascinating to see that it is still attached to the acorn.  I was reminded of the saying, “Great oaks from little acorns grow.”  I like this saying, and think about it whenever I am beginning a big task.  But this morning I was thinking about our own little acorns…our grandchildren that are too quickly growing into oaks.

I know I sound really old here, but where did the time go?  It seems like only a short time ago when they were all little, and now the youngest is finishing elementary school this month.  I am especially thinking of the two graduations we will celebrate in the next few days.  

Tomorrow will be Jack Foster Day as he graduates from OU.  Oh how we celebrate this graduation!  The tiny acorn that was once a preschooler has now completed college.  But then overnight he will turn into an acorn again as he begins his working life, and he is stressing a bit about finding a job.  To Jack I want to say, don’t worry about your first job.  Trust me, it will not be your last.  It used to be that people got a job, worked at it for thirty years, got a gold watch, and retired.  But things have changed.  In our current age, people change careers (not just  jobs) three times during their working lifespan.  “Just get a degree,” we told him.  A degree is a ticket.  You will figure it out.  

When I was forty-eight I enrolled in two classes at what was then Tulsa Junior College.  I wanted to get the degree I never got when I was young.  There was a verse from the Bible that was a source of encouragement to me, and I share it today with Jack:

Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin, Zech. 4:10

My small beginning was a little acorn that grew into a Ph.D.  Jack, just put one foot in front of the other and trust that the Lord will lead you to the place you need to be.  I can already see the might oak you will become.

Our other graduate is Ellie Grace Herrold who graduates from Bishop Kelly next Friday.  We have watched you blossom, Girl!  There are so many wonderful experiences ahead as you enter Belmont University in the fall. You have exciting plans, and I can’t wait to watch them unfold.  I have shared many verses with you in the last days…I want to make sure I tell you everything I am supposed to share with you.  So this one more verse I give you as you spread your wings:

May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.  Psalm 20:4            

We cover all our children, grandchildren, and our great-grands in prayer…even our unborn little girl.  We have a lot of moving parts in our family, and some of our acorns get more prayer than others depending on what season they are in.  I am so grateful that I can trust a God who loves them even more than I do.  To all of them, my prayer for you is to stay in God’s Word.  That is the way for an oak tree to grow and flourish.

But they delight in the law of the LORD, meditating on it day and night.  They are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit each season. Their leaves never wither, and they prosper in all they do.  Psalm 1:2-3

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