Tag: marriage

LOVE IS A CHOCOLATE PIE

A couple of days ago I posted this same picture on social media along with a little story from our very early marriage days.  The story was about my first pie, a chocolate cream pie, my husband’s favorite.  I didn’t have any background in pie baking but my thought was that the filling came from a box mix so that is what I used.  In this little story I related how disappointed Jerry was with the finished product because it didn’t taste like his mother’s pie.  Well the poor guy got hammered with comments and jokes at his expense which was not my intention.

Please don’t be hard on him.  We were newlyweds.  I told my appalled daughter that we were both learning; I was learning to cook and he was learning what not to say.  But it was actually much more than that.  We were learning how to do marriage, and that is a lifetime process.  When I was active in my psychology practice I often said that in an enduring marriage you are married to several different people over the course of the marriage.  And you have several different marriages.  We are not the same callow young adults we were in the pie story.  Thank God!  You grow, and you change, and you adapt over the years.  

This is February, the love month and God has been coming at me from all directions with lessons about love.  I often say He is a multi-media God.  It seems that everything I pick up or listen to has scripture passages about love.  I attend (thanks to Zoom) Community Bible Study.  This year, classes all around the world are studying the Gospel of John.  At first I wasn’t too excited about studying this book; I had read and studied it so many times.  But God’s word is always fresh and I amazed at all I am learning and the things I never saw before.  The big lesson for me is about loving and serving others.  It’s not optional; it is a commandment.  I have to tell you, service does not come naturally to me.  I am a word person.

We tend to think of love as a feeling, something we “fall into.” But the kind of love Jesus invites us to express is different.  This kind of love is an action verb.  I can tell Jerry how much I love him all day long, but that really doesn’t speak to him.  His love language is acts of service.  He hears “I love you,” when I do things for him.  In his book, Love Languages, author Gary Chapman tells us we tend to love others in the same way we wish to be loved.  He lives for the phone calls from his daughters that begin with “Dad can you, do you mind, would you please, I hate to bother you, but…” My love language is words of affirmation, so while I am writing these words telling you about the kind of guy he is, he is in the kitchen cooking a Valentine breakfast for me. 

My Valentine to him was an old fashioned chocolate pie, the kind his mother made.  The recipe comes from my bridal cookbook, the old Better Homes and Garden Cookbook.   That book has been revised several times, as has the recipe so I am including the original below to save it for posterity.  

Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.  1 John 4:7-8 NLT

Chocolate Cream Pie

1-cup sugar

1/3-cup all-purpose flour or 3 TBL. cornstarch

¼ tsp. salt

2 cups milk

2 1-oz. squares unsweetened chocolate, chopped

3 slightly beaten egg yolks

2 TBL. butter or margarine

1 tsp. vanilla

1 9-inch baked pastry shell

1 recipe meringue

In saucepan, combine sugar, flour, and salt.  Gradually whisk in milk and chocolate.  Cook and stir over medium heat until mixture boils and thickens.  Cook 2 minutes longer.  Remove from heat.

Stir small amount hot mixture into yolks; return to hot mixture; cook 2 minutes, stirring constantly.  Remove from heat and stir in butter and vanilla.  Cool to room temperature.  (To prevent crust from forming, put clear plastic wrap or waxed paper directly on top, touching surface of the hot pudding clear to sides of pan.)  Pour into baked pastry shell.  

Meringue:  Beat 3 egg whites with ¼ tsp. cream of tartar and ½ tsp. vanilla till soft peaks form.  Gradually add 6 TBL. sugar, beating till stiff peaks form and all sugar is dissolved.  Spread atop pie sealing to pastry.  Bake in moderate oven (350 degrees) about 12-15 minutes, or until meringue is golden.  Cool.

THE DRIFT

A good deal of my clinical work is done with couples on the fault line.  Their marriage is in trouble and they come in to see me.  In a best-case scenario, both individuals truly want to save the marriage.  Sometimes only one party does, but often one person can save it, but it’s going to require changing the dance.  The worst case is when one or both come in only to check the box.  They can later say they tried counseling but it didn’t work. Let me make it clear that coming in and merely sitting on the couch is not trying.  You have to be willing to do the work.  The statistics on marriage counseling are not that great and here’s why. Most people wait until it is too late. My wisest couples come in for yearly marriage check-ups.

A conversation I frequently have with my couples is one I call “The Drift.”  I take them back to the days when their relationship was new. We all know how wonderful that falling-in-love feeling is.  During that time you amplify all the positives but turn down the volume on those things on which you disagree, flaws, and potential areas of conflict.  You ignore red flags.  “Isn’t it great we like the same music.  I love his family.  We have the same goals.”  You get the idea.  When your love is new you are close.

 

 

But then life starts to happen.  You have bills to pay, children to care for, a house and yard to tend, and besides, you are tired.  If you are not careful, the relationship starts to drift.  You end up far apart without even realizing it.  He’s absorbed in the television while she sits on the couch doing Pinterest.  They don’t go on dates any more.  She may go out with her girlfriends and he may play golf with his buddies, but they have forgotten how to have fun with each other.  The Drift has set in.

 

 

So my job is to help couples begin building bridges back to each other.  One of the first things I recommend is a bit of advice a very wise pastor shared with our church many years ago.  He said couples need to divert daily, withdraw weekly, and abandon annually.  So once every day, you and your spouse need to spend about 15 minutes talking alone, even if you have to lock yourselves in the bathroom to do it.  Believe me, if your kids see you trying to have some couple time, they are going to do everything they can to get your attention. But one of the healthiest and most loving things you can do for your children is to demonstrate that next to God, your marriage relationship is the highest priority.  So at this point couples tell me they don’t have anything to talk about.  That’s because they quit talking long ago without even realizing it.  Or the only type of talking they do is shop talk (Did you remember to pay the mortgage?  What time is soccer practice?), or spite talk (Do you need an explanation here?).  So I suggest that they tell each other three things that happened during the day, and HOW THEY FELT ABOUT THOSE THREE THINGS.  That last part is the most important.  I want to introduce sharing feelings because that is a doorway to intimacy. Sometimes I have to give them a list of feeling words, especially the guys.  Then once a week, couples need a date night.  It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant; going for an ice cream cone counts.  Again, this is done without the children.  Find a sitter or trade out with another couple.  This is necessary caretaking for your marriage.  Finally, once a year the two of you need to get away by yourselves. A good book that will help you with communication, problem solving, and other necessary marriage skills is A Lasting Promise.

Think of your marriage as a bank account.  In your account you make deposits and withdrawals.  You want to build up a good amount of deposits (good will, good experiences) to get you through those lean times.  Often when couples come to see me they have been making heavy withdrawals without much in reserve.  Their marital account is depleted.  So we have to find ways to begin making some deposits.

I have Vince Gill on my mind and in my ear because we just went to one of his concerts.  He wrote a song called Don’t Let Our Love Start Slippin’ Awaythat musically describes The Drift.  You can watch a very young Vince Gill, complete with mullet sing it here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlUGTof2TWU

The lyrics are powerful:

A wounded love

Walks a real thin line

And no communication

Will kill it every time.

 

 

Wow!  Is your marriage on a “real thin line?”  Good marriages don’t just happen.  They require intentionality.  And a good marriage invites another Person into their union: Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.  Psalm. 127: 1-2.

Do marriage on purpose. Tend your relationship carefully.  Beware of The Drift.  You want your marriage to last a lifetime.

 

 

 

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